My new self

I've been getting a lot of catalogues lately and have decided to acquire a new self.

Self:  Meet new self.

New Self.
I am a vibrant and interesting person who utilizes her time and abilities to the fullest.
After a long varied career in obfuscation, meta-explication and reformulation tabulation computing and electronics, I have designed my new career as a consultant around my many innovative studies into the art of the foible. It's ground breaking work and I have to run to keep up with the demand for my seminars and requests for my mini moments of presence.

Although my schedule is packed, I have, with the help of my new swell phone managed these multiple tasks with élan. So vital is my swell phone that I have had it implanted in my wrist so I need never be out of touch....as if I ever were!

Fitting everything into my day is easy with swell phone. I simply tell it I'm needed, say in Cape Town tomorrow and it instantly makes all the arrangements. All I have to do is stand up. My swell phone bathers me, dresses me, packs my purse and walks me out to the curb to the cab. It even curves time so I arrive precisely at 10:00AM local time unmussed and unfussed.

All the information about my audience is contained in my morning orange juice which I drink in bed.
Swell phone again. I am keyed in to the individual propensities of every person in the room. Did you know the whole human race picks it's nose? A Universal Trait ! The varieties of folding toilet paper are highly varied however....and I know how each and every person does it. Thanks Swell Phone.

I take three whole days a week for myself. I'm greedy, I know it, I do hope my audience understands the need for "me time."

On those days I greet my two sweetie poos at the door. Skippy and Groovie are matching Great Danes thoughtfully provided by my adorable little girl Maggie. Along with my two rescue dogs they make the day an active one!

Thanks to modern science and Swell Phone I have conquered all my "bad" habits. I no longer eat.
I run 60 miles a day and do weights for at least 4 hours every day. I have no wrinkles, thick hair and excellent taste in clothes. I would be happy to tell you all about my new self and to explain how you too can exorcise any foible that may make you a bad bet on the health exchange.

Before dog parks.

Before we had neighborhood dogs. They roamed around and made each other pregnant. That's where puppies came from.
We had a dog named Chuck. My parents never spayed him and so he had an adventurous life.
Recently I went by the old house and noted it was now fixed up. Apparently the owner murdered his wife and went away for a long while. Now he either returned and worked on it or it was sold and rehabbed.
I wandered down to the old play area and heard barking. The path down to the old woods led to long fenced in yards where there had been woods before. It was odd.
Slowly from two yards three dogs came out. They were carbon copies of each other.
They were also carbon copies of Chuck.

In this crevice, the old days live on.

Where are my three readers?

Drat it you all. Here I am, posting away, dispensing gems or wisdom, tossing out concentrated thought and wearing my little aged fingers to the bone. Where are you?

I really really want to incorporate-as in Nancy inc.

Incorporation sounds better and better.
I can vote forever.
I won't die.
I can give as much money as I want to buy politicians.
I can hide my money in really cute places-and I know a surprising number of those places.
I can get tax breaks such as-" asset impairment" and "good will write offs."

Golly good molly.
My assets are so impaired that I expect I'll get back payment from the gov't. ...years and years of my taxes returned. I even have pictures to prove my asset impairment, pictures issued by the gov't itself!

Good will write offs are a breeze. I've been giving stuff away for ages, stuff that's not even used! Why I give original jewelry away all the time. Of course sometimes I have to sneak it into others purses', but hey, they carry it off.

Of course big incorporations get asset impairment to the tune of serious money-millions or billions.
I think it works like this. "Big Mines Inc." has a mine blow up. More than thirty people die. and all the tunnels they dug fall in. People are not as asset, but the hunk of earth mixed with materiel and unmixed with tunnels and equipment is a damaged asset. Thus "Big Mines Inc." have suffered "asset impairment" and don't have to pay taxes on this part of their operation.

Directly following is another "asset impairment." Lawyers.
Lawyers for the families of the miners gather like vultures to sue the big mine. It happens that "Big Mines" neglected to follow excessive federal regulation. They didn't pump air down the mine, they insisted that miners work naked, they forgot that the gas was flammable and dropped a lit cylinder of dynamite down the hole to see what would happen....
"Big Mines Inc." then has to hire a fleet of expensive lawyers to defend against nuisance law suits brought by the bereaved families...and rarely the federal government which, depending on the party in power, may have noticed violations of excessive federal regulations.

All the money they spend defending themselves is anther asset impairment, so that money isn't taxed.

"Good will write offs" comprise the money "Big Mines Inc." spends on a media campaign to alert the world to their good intentions. They run these ads for as long as it takes for the attention to die down and to get themselves bought out by another corporation call "Minerals Gigantica Inc."

Works for them. Why not for me?